Monday, September 12, 2016

Overwhelmed By Pizza

The upside to bariatric surgery is huge: improved health, increased mobility, enhanced self-esteem. Not to mention the whole "much more likely to live past 60" thing. At no time since I had surgery have I seriously wished I had not undergone the procedure.

But...(you knew there was a but, didn't you?), some days are a little more difficult than others.

Yesterday was the first full day of the 2016-2017 NFL season. Now, once upon a time, I used to be a football fanatic. But, for many years now, football has been something that I sort of enjoyed passively - whenever I could. I tried not to think about it too much. Other than our yearly SuperBowl blowout, I was no longer very involved with football.

Why? Because, since the onset of epilepsy, I have no longer been able to afford cable. No cable means no real football choices. In New Mexico, regular football programming means watching either the Denver Broncos or the Dallas Cowboys. Out of respect to my friends and family members who are die-hard fans of those franchises, let me put it this way: those two teams are not my optimal choices.

This year, however, things are different - my brother managed to wrangle Lor and I a DirecTV subscription as part of our cell phone service. This year's subscription just happens to include NFL Direct Ticket - meaning that I can watch any game playing on any given Sunday. Even my hapless Miami Dolphins. Yes, I am masochistic like that.

I have been so excited for football season this year. I joined a fantasy football league. I cleared my schedule on every Sunday from now through Christmas. I loaded up every single electronic device I own with various apps that would enable me to keep track of updates, scores, and injuries.  I even parked my laptop next to me so that I could write during breaks in the action.

Cause, you know, football is serious business.

Pre-game shows started yesterday at 10 AM, and I was there and ready. I got through the first segment, giddy as a schoolgirl. And then, the commercials began...

I have never noticed before the make-up of commercials during football games. I sure noticed it yesterday. Commercials were (approximately) 25% car commercials, 25% home improvement store commercials, and 1,372% pizza and beer commercials.

You know, pizza and beer. My two favorite foods, now barred to me forever by my altered anatomy post-surgery.

Cheese and pepperoni glowed seductively. Beer flowed endlessly into pint glasses. Happy, smiling people (all in much better shape than I am, I should add) enjoyed the forbidden fruits of my lost dietary loves. 

Halfway through the first game, I was ready to roll the dog in cheese, cover her in tomato sauce, and throw her in the oven. I resisted because I was not comfortable with looking up the nutritional information for "Baked Chihuahua". Seems like all that fur might have a high carb count anyway.

I made it all the way through the Dolphins losing to the Seahawks  in the last 30 seconds of the second game of the day, and then gave up. I was overwrought - completely destroyed by visions of Domino's and Negra Modelo. Which I used to be able to have. You know, like, at the same time. I sat at my desk, staring forlornly at my boiled egg (also known as "lunch"), and wondered how I had come to this: surrounded by advertisements for the foods I loved, unable to have any for fear of losing all the progress I have made so far.

I think, for next week, I will start recording my chosen channels about 2 hours early. That way, I can kinda fast-forward through all the commercials for forbidden foods. I will still see them, but only for a few seconds at a time, not constant series of 30-second spots. 

Or maybe I can have Lor fast-forward for me, while I keep my eyes closed.

Yes, I Had Food Porn Dreams Last Night,

- Hawkwind

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