If Tomorrow's Weight Loss Never Comes

(With apologies to Garth Brooks)

Along with all the other excitement of the last two weeks, I have also noticed a marked slow-down in my weight loss. Where I had been losing 3, 4, even 5 pounds a week since surgery, last week I made it to 225 pounds, and this week to 224. Somewhere in my brain, some pressure has been applied to the weight-loss brakes.

Now, stalls happen. I am not overly concerned about the fact that my weight loss has temporarily slowed down. The facts are pretty simple - If I keep eating around 800 calories a day, and my daily exercise routine burns off another 300 of them, there is just no way that my weight loss is "done". At some point, my fat cells will be forced out of their resistance, and the weight loss will pick back up.

However, just for the sake of argument, what if I was done losing weight? What would it mean for me to begin living the rest of my life at my current weight and size?

Well, let's see:

• I would have to accept a 40-inch waistline. That would be a little disappointing, but not very, since my original "pie-in-the-sky" goal was actually 38 inches. Remember, I started with a 48-inch waist.
• I would have to accept better seizure control and no longer being on blood pressure medications. Yeah, I think I could do that.
• My exercise routine would need to work around being at 224 pounds. Now, that is a little more difficult, since every pound you lose makes exercise that much easier on the rest of your body. But, in February, I could barely manage to walk to the end of the block and back - about 2 tenths of a mile. Today, we are regularly walking 2 miles, a ten-fold increase in daily activity.
• My CPAP would remain a constant companion at night, since I have still not overcome my obstructive sleep apnea. I do sometimes wish that I could get rid of the Darth Vader mask and hoses. But, Lor hints ominously that, if I were to start snoring again after being taken off of it, the mask would be going right back on anyway. The CPAP has meant uninterrupted sleep for both of us for several years now, and I suppose I can accept that.
• I would have to settle for the restoration of a regular sex life again, after not having one for years. Ahem. Yes, please.

I find very little to be unhappy about at this point - even if the process were done today, I would have to call the bariatric surgery a total success. Though I still have occasional hiccups (see what I did there?), what I have gained through surgery far outweighs the loss of beer and all-you-can-eat buffets. The fact is, I have a life outside my house again, and that in and of itself is one of the most valuable gifts I have ever received.

And, the good news is, I am not done yet! Though I am still skeptical of getting all the way down to 185 (my surgical goal weight), I firmly believe that I can make it to 199: I would like my maintenance phase next year to begin at under 200 pounds. And I will do everything in my power to get there. Two days from now will be my 2-month "surgiversary", so I should have at least 4 more months of honeymoon weight loss to go. Even at my current slower weight loss of a pound a week that would put me at 208 by January!

208 pounds. Imagine 95 pounds of total weight loss in just under a year. Who would have thought?

And Now I Have That Darn Song Stuck In My Head,

- Hawkwind

A Game Of Inches

Photo Credit: Max Garçia via Compfight cc

(Warning: Young children, those easily offended, and those preferring not to engage in/read about human reproductive activity should probably just skip today's blog. You have been warned!)

During your bariatric surgery preparations, and probably forever afterwards, you are going to be friends with the measuring tape. You will get to be astonished as you watch your hips and stomach shrink due to fat reduction, and depressed as your arms and calves do the same things due to muscle loss. It is a useful tool to keep track of unexpected muscle loss, ongoing fat burning, and (eventually) stabilization as your body gets used to your new digestive system and dietary practices.

However, I have been noticing in recent weeks that, while most of me is reducing in size, one area in particular is apparently gaining. Positive that I must just be hallucinating, I went in search of answers.

And I found some very startling ones: apparently weight loss in males has an unusual side effect - for every 30 pounds of weight (or so) lost, the apparent size of the penis grows by about an inch. Now, I know from my limited understanding of biology that the human genitalia isn't supposed to get larger over time - what you have is what you have. (Look up "penis enlargement" some time on Google to see how popular the subject is.) So, what gives?

It works something like this: Imagine a six-foot pole, set up as a fence post so that only 5 feet of it are exposed. If the fence isn't maintained, dirt, leaves, and other debris gather around the base of the pole. Enough gathering of "stuff" around the base, and eventually you can only see the top 2 feet or so of the post. When your spouse gets after you enough and you get out in the back yard with your rake and your shovel, after a few hours you can see all 5 feet again.

So, the post is the male genitalia, the debris is the fatty deposits in your abdomen (due to your lack of maintenance), and the rake and shovel are your surgery and your lifestyle changes. All of a sudden, that fence post appears to be growing.

Every 30 pounds of weight loss works out to exposure of another inch of your equipment that had previously been inaccessible due to fatty deposits. As of today (I checked) I was down to 240 pounds - a total loss of 62 pounds since I started this process.

I will let you do the math.

But, the really startling thing is that I am not done losing weight yet. My target weight (according to my doctor, mind you) is 185 pounds! That is nearly twice what I have lost already. Seriously, now - a potential weight loss of 117 pounds, divided by 30 works out to 3.9 inches! Imagine the possibilities...

Now why, for heaven's sake, is this not being marketed as one of the major benefits of weight loss surgery? It was never mentioned to me by anyone on my surgical team. I have frequently remarked on the lack of males undergoing this process - roughly 2 men to every 8 women go through with bariatric surgery. Talk up the fact that you can increase the size of your equipment as a result of this surgery and there will be lines of men out the door and around the corner waiting to sign up.

That's just how men are. Despite what all the pundits and well-meaning sexual partners may tell you, size matters. Heck, did anyone watch the Republican debates? These were men competing to be the leader of the most powerful nation in the world, comparing sizes on national television. It isn't just for locker rooms in high school.

Bariatric surgery needs to get behind this as a marketing device immediately. You know, for the health and well-being of all my fellow overweight men.

Yeah, we'll go with that.

Patting Myself On The...Back For Having Weight-Loss Surgery,

- Hawkwind