A Game Of Inches

Photo Credit: Max Garçia via Compfight cc

(Warning: Young children, those easily offended, and those preferring not to engage in/read about human reproductive activity should probably just skip today's blog. You have been warned!)

During your bariatric surgery preparations, and probably forever afterwards, you are going to be friends with the measuring tape. You will get to be astonished as you watch your hips and stomach shrink due to fat reduction, and depressed as your arms and calves do the same things due to muscle loss. It is a useful tool to keep track of unexpected muscle loss, ongoing fat burning, and (eventually) stabilization as your body gets used to your new digestive system and dietary practices.

However, I have been noticing in recent weeks that, while most of me is reducing in size, one area in particular is apparently gaining. Positive that I must just be hallucinating, I went in search of answers.

And I found some very startling ones: apparently weight loss in males has an unusual side effect - for every 30 pounds of weight (or so) lost, the apparent size of the penis grows by about an inch. Now, I know from my limited understanding of biology that the human genitalia isn't supposed to get larger over time - what you have is what you have. (Look up "penis enlargement" some time on Google to see how popular the subject is.) So, what gives?

It works something like this: Imagine a six-foot pole, set up as a fence post so that only 5 feet of it are exposed. If the fence isn't maintained, dirt, leaves, and other debris gather around the base of the pole. Enough gathering of "stuff" around the base, and eventually you can only see the top 2 feet or so of the post. When your spouse gets after you enough and you get out in the back yard with your rake and your shovel, after a few hours you can see all 5 feet again.

So, the post is the male genitalia, the debris is the fatty deposits in your abdomen (due to your lack of maintenance), and the rake and shovel are your surgery and your lifestyle changes. All of a sudden, that fence post appears to be growing.

Every 30 pounds of weight loss works out to exposure of another inch of your equipment that had previously been inaccessible due to fatty deposits. As of today (I checked) I was down to 240 pounds - a total loss of 62 pounds since I started this process.

I will let you do the math.

But, the really startling thing is that I am not done losing weight yet. My target weight (according to my doctor, mind you) is 185 pounds! That is nearly twice what I have lost already. Seriously, now - a potential weight loss of 117 pounds, divided by 30 works out to 3.9 inches! Imagine the possibilities...

Now why, for heaven's sake, is this not being marketed as one of the major benefits of weight loss surgery? It was never mentioned to me by anyone on my surgical team. I have frequently remarked on the lack of males undergoing this process - roughly 2 men to every 8 women go through with bariatric surgery. Talk up the fact that you can increase the size of your equipment as a result of this surgery and there will be lines of men out the door and around the corner waiting to sign up.

That's just how men are. Despite what all the pundits and well-meaning sexual partners may tell you, size matters. Heck, did anyone watch the Republican debates? These were men competing to be the leader of the most powerful nation in the world, comparing sizes on national television. It isn't just for locker rooms in high school.

Bariatric surgery needs to get behind this as a marketing device immediately. You know, for the health and well-being of all my fellow overweight men.

Yeah, we'll go with that.

Patting Myself On The...Back For Having Weight-Loss Surgery,

- Hawkwind