The Struggle To Stay On Track

Photo Credit: Patrick Dirden via Compfight cc

Ten percent of me is gone.

I mean that in a good way, I suppose. As of Monday of this week, my pre-surgical diet and exercise program has resulted in me dropping from a high of 302 pounds down to 272. My friends and family are all congratulating me. I should be elated. But I am not.

Because now I am having doubts about my upcoming surgery.

The real problem began about a month ago, when I was informed that there was a mysterious "holdup" in processing my claim through my insurance. My (federally required) psychological exam had never been approved by Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Upon calling the insurance company, the mystery deepened - my claim was "pending", and had been since the middle of April. No one could tell me why. The insurance reps seemed completely baffled. "Call your doctor." was their advice.

I called my doctor, who said he would get it straightened out. And then...nothing. For two weeks I have been waiting for an approval to move this whole process forward. and have heard not a word. Without the psych eval I can't have surgery - and if it doesn't take place by mid-June, the whole process will be delayed for who knows how long.

Upon talking about the problem to family and friends, I keep hearing a similar train of thought: I am doing great on the pre-surgical diet, so I could potentially stick with that even if the surgery never gets approved.

Did you catch that? It goes by pretty fast. The general thought is, if I am not approved for surgery due to an insurance snafu, I can just press on and lose the weight on the basis of the work I am already doing. Sounds very encouraging, until I ask myself: "If I can do this without surgery, why am I having the surgery?"

It is not as if I haven't tried to lose this weight before. I've been obese for better than half my life, I have had the opportunity to try just about everything. I finally fell into weightlifting in my late 20s and early 30s because I could be obese and functional at the same time.  But, something has always come up that interferes with my success, Seizures. Boredom. Transportation problems. A couple of very bad food intake days leading to frustration after which I would give up. Believe me, I have been there and done that. I have turned to bariatric surgery hoping for a final solution, a weapon to use against my own food issues.

So, what happens if that weapon never materializes? Will I be able to commit to these changes without the physical modifications I was counting on?

If I can't succeed without surgery, how it is going to impact me watching Lor go forward without me?

If I can succeed without surgery, why the hell am I am going under the knife in the first place?

The Wheels In My Head Go Round And Round,

- Hawkwind