Summertime Blues

The enemy on the rooftop

Quick, what is less comfortable that a fat person in 100-degree heat?

Exactly - two fat people in 100-degree heat.

All props to Lor, who is shedding weight like our Chihuahua sheds fur, but she still has a way to go before she has reached a "climate comfortable" weight for here in New Mexico. And, as for me, I can't even see the promised land of a body no longer covered in fat from where I am standing. 

So, of course, yesterday during our 100-degree heat wave is when our evaporative cooler decided to give out.

For those of you wondering where the heck I was yesterday, I was busy dying of heat stroke in my living room. The cooler has been slowing going out on us for a while now - I replaced the lime-encrusted pads a couple weeks ago, for a few days of blessed relief, and then...nothing. When I went outside to take a look at the cooler (mounted on my roof, of course), I could literally see steam rising out from the pads. So, not willing to get on my roof when the sun was at its highest, I went out every couple of hours to hose the pads down from ground level, using a "jet" attachment on a garden hose.

Obesity begets creativity.

When evening finally came, and the sun had dropped below the horizon, I hauled my ladder out to the side of the house, and hauled myself onto the roof. A couple things here - my ladder is rated at 225 pounds. I am currently rated at 263. The noises it made as I cautiously climbed up were alarming, to say the least. Then, the really fun part - I have an 8-foot ladder. My lowest point of access to my roof is 9 feet off the ground.

Have you ever seen 260+ pounds of sweaty male trying to balance on the top step of a ladder in order to leap across the gap and onto his roof? No? The neighbors were taking bets on when I would fall and what size of a crater I would leave. I eventually sort of leaned across onto my roof, onto the still-steaming tar and shingles (ouchouchouch), and kinda crawled my way up to safety.

Investigation proved what Lor had suspected (and suggested) all along - my water pump, which had been working perfectly well 2 weeks ago when I replaced the pads, had finally died. Disgusted, I removed it and returned to the ladder.

Only now, I couldn't reach the ladder anymore. No matter how I grunted and groaned, I could not get my foot down onto that precarious top step. (You know, the one 2 steps above the text saying "Do Not Climb Above This Point".) Ashamed and exhausted, I called Lor to come out and hold the ladder and direct my steps as I kinda crawled backward (ouchouchouch) off the side of the house onto the ladder.

Once inside the house, we began our research. I could order a pump off of Amazon, but it would take two days to get here, while we withered away in the heat. I checked the website for Home Depot, and discovered a replacement pump for less than Amazon. It was now 9:03 PM and Home Depot closed at...10 PM. We briefly discussed which bill we would not be paying this month in order to buy a new pump. (We are poor folks, remember? Why do you think I haven't bought a new ladder? Tall ladders are hideously expensive.)

I then rushed off to Home Depot, found the pump, bought it with our gas company payment (who needs gas in summer, right?), and rushed home. It was now fully dark, but I was unwilling to wait until the next morning to get this done. Lor had spotted a better location for the ladder (when I fell off, it would be onto softer ground), so I grabbed a flashlight, and scurried back onto the roof. At least it was no longer searing marks into my flesh any longer.

An hour later, thanks to the fact that I can hold a Mini-Maglite between my teeth, the repair was complete. The pads were getting saturated once more, and I could now make the treacherous journey back down to ground level. I sat on the floor in the hallway directly under the now functioning swamp cooler for at least half an hour, as a reward for my valiant efforts.

So, how was your day?

Not Sure About This Home Ownership Thing,

- Hawkwind